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Guilt-led Home Management

If I took a poll now among ten families on their experiences with domestic staff, I am confident that I’ll have an overwhelming result of negative experiences compared to positive. My guess would be 8:2 or 9:1.

Considering that the average employer may have tried their hands at hiring a minimum of three times, it means that there’s likely a long trail of hurtful experiences. But employers are resilient, because for many that I have spoken with, despite the hurt they suffer from bad domestic staffing, they forgive quickly and let go. They hold nothing against them. In fact, some employers even give gifts before asking them to leave.

But Ore, if I look closely, would I see that even if everything on the outside supports the truth that you have totally let go, your behavior will not unconsciously say otherwise?

Because this is where it gets tricky. In your forgiveness of all parties involved, you forget to forgive someone important; yourself. This then reflects in your home management behavior.

“But why do I need to forgive myself if I didn’t do anything?” you ask.

Because you blame yourself for not following your intuition more, or that you could have been more patient with that staff, or you could have been a little bit firmer, or shouldn’t have been away from home and the list goes on. It shows in the way you want to overcompensate for the losses suffered.

You found out that a domestic staff beat your children when you were away at work. She’s gone now, but still you spend each day drowning in guilt, because “you should have known.” Now, you cannot even stick to a routine with your children because you do not want to spend any minute away from them.

Your cook was stealing from you and inflating prices. You feel bad thinking about the amount of money the family has lost in one year of his employment. Now that he’s gone, you want to do every single market run yourself and feel unqualified to enjoy any form of delegation until that money has been replaced.

You can fill in the gap.

The bad thing about not forgiving yourself is that the time you’re supposed to spend pouring love into your home, you’ll be spending it overworking and compensating, yet it will never be enough. Your actions towards the management of your home will not be motivated by love or service but by guilt. There’s a difference.

When you are motivated by guilt,

  • you’ll never be satisfied with the outcomes of your effort.
  • you’ll always feel like you could and should have done more.
  • you’ll deeply crave the approval of everyone because you’re doing it “for them.”
  • you will stomach the discomfort of doing things you do not enjoy, because you feel indebted and have to pay up.
The irony is that your family doesn’t even hold anything against you. It’s all in your head. And even if they did, you owe it to yourself to enjoy a second, third, fourth chance.

Forgive yourself so that you can enjoy Life at Home again.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you jump right back into hiring; it only means that your motive changes. As your motive changes, you’ll gradually move from the zone of constant guilt and overwhelm to confidence in your ability to manage your home excellently well again.

I pray that you have the courage to do this for you and your home.

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